Mine Løyndomar

Someone out there will want me

2012-01-10T04:39:00.000-08:00

Today I heard a review of "The Green Hornet" on the radio.
On the 28th of February 2011 I went to the cinema with a boy whom I knew was in love with me. We'd been hanging out a lot the previous week, and I had decided to give him a chance, because he was sweet and shy, and the way he looked at me made me feel like the prettiest girl in the world. I met him at the cinema, and things were a bit awkward before the film began. When we sat there in our seats, I knew how nervous he was, I knew he wanted to take my hand, but he was a very shy and insecure person, and I knew he was terrified of rejection (as we all are). So I took his hand. We looked at each other and I smiled at him. I felt his tense body loosen up a bit, and he squeezed my hand, with a grin on his face. We sat like that throughout the film, our hands sweaty, and our hearts beating loudly. Afterwards he walked me home, and we kissed outside my hostparent's house. It was lovely, it was perfect. For about 7 months.

It's over now, and I've come to terms with it. I wouldn't want him back, and I'm not saying that in a desperate attempt to convince myself that I don't want him back. I genuinely wouldn't want to be with him anymore. I know I need someone who is a bit ... more than he is. Who would fight for me, and for "us". I'm not saying that every boy needs to act like a knight in shining armour, but if you truly love someone, you shouldn't give up on them the minute things get a bit hard. I don't love him anymore, and I don't think I ever could again. But I don't hate him either. I pity him.

Hearing the review on "The Green Hornet" made me long for the good times we had together, for the love and affection we shared. It made me sad, not because I miss him, but because I miss being wanted and loved, and I know I'll have to wait for a long time to have something like that again.

It's finally getting better. Finally.

2011-12-29T18:43:00.000-08:00

After having been ill for seven weeks

2011-12-21T09:31:00.000-08:00

Not due to heartache, but a virus.

That person. It may sound very cliché, but that person who used to make you so incredibly happy, but now he or she never fails to make you feel like complete shit whenever they talk to you. Whether it is an ex-bestfriend, or just an ex, I'm sure you've had one. You don't really want to talk to them, because you know all too well how terrible it's going to make you feel, but still, you long for the safety and happiness that person used to give you. The feeling of belonging and love they used to represent. But you're fooling yourself, because you're just going to feel unloved, useless and pathetic. It used to upset me endlessly. I used to want to cut contact with him, but I know he's still good for a nice chat, he can still cheer me right up. I used to, for some reason, think that my happiness depended on him. What a silly thought! Lately I've felt a lot better not talking to him.

He couldn't be arsed to Skype me, even though he knew I was feeling awfully bad about myself, and extremely lonely. Instead he wanted to complain about how my misery was all because of him, and how he couldn't possibly make me happy anymore. I would justify that by thinking that it was my fault entirely, and I was making both him and myself sad, and it fed my loneliness and self hatred. I would lie awake all night and just think all sorts of horrible things about myself. How I was a useless, sorry excuse for a human being, how badly I treated my friends, how they probably didn't even miss me, how I would fail school and never be able to go to uni, how I had no talents, how I could never do anything right, how I was all alone, how no one would be able to ever love someone like me, because I was neither pretty nor smart, funny or desirable in any other way. The next day I would get mad at myself for thinking such horrible thoughts, and that would lead to even more guilt. The hate was never-ending. It wasn't until I had a long and serious chat with one of my best friends, I realised that I was wrong, and that I needed to stop it all, once and for all.

I no longer feel like I need to talk to him, his opinion on me or my emotional state doesn't matter, and I shouldn't let anything of what he says get to me, because it's not worth it. And I deserve only the best.

2011-10-09T05:16:00.000-07:00

you were weak.

Late night bitterness.

2011-10-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

I want to write this down, I want to get it out, once and for all.

What we had was truly amazing. You made me so incredibly happy. You made me feel strong, and independent, and mature, and you made me feel so much better about myself. You made me feel like i mattered, like I was wanted, like I was really attractive. My body, my personality, everything. You loved it all, and you just couldn't get enough of it. And I was there for you, every day, whenever. I know I made you feel a lot better about yourself, I loved you so much, and you loved me. We spent some wonderful days, evening, and night together. I loved all the times we would just lie in your bed and watch Come Dine With Me, or Top Gear. I loved when we would just lie in your bed, or on your duvet the floor, and we would just cuddle, and talk. I miss how we could just be silent together, how you made me feel good by just being mine, and telling me you wanted me, forever and always. I miss all the sweet things you would say to me, how much you loved me, how I completed you, how strange you thought it was that "a guy like you had ended up with a girl like me", and how you wondered what you could possibly have done to deserve me. And I could assure you that just being you and loving me would forever be enough. You told me I was worth fighting for, I was worth all the pain you had gone through, and all the pain you would have to go through. I was worth the wait, for me, you would wait forever. You said we would prove everyone wrong, we would stay together no matter what, and some day in the future we would reap the fruits of our patience. We really were perfect together, a match made in heaven, as you had once described it. Fate, destiny, whatever brought us together, it truly was a miracle! We were so young, and we had found our signifiant other, how strange, and yet, how wonderful!

But then again. Life happens. People change. Feelings change. Maturity, courage, and pateince. I thought those were some of your strongest qualities, but it turns out you lack them all. I don't feel bad for you when you say you're lonely, when you tell me you're feeling down because you have to watch your siblings with their special someone, or when you tell me it "makes you feel very weird" when people write suggestive or loving messages on my Facebook wall. I miss what we had, I miss the love and the wonderful feeling of being wanted. But I don't miss you. You have changed, morphed into something, someone I don't recognise. I hope I find someone new soon, someone who can take your place, even if you are somewhat irreplaceable. Because I know you would have done exactly the same. You don't care about my feelings anymore. I believe you did once, I believe you cared about me a lot. But that changed along with your behaviour and level of maturity. I will get over you, I will find someone new, and I hope it will break your heart, just like you broke mine.